Creating Safe Spaces: How to Establish Clear and Compassionate Boundaries
“ Invisible fences hurt everyone. Boundaries should be carefully, thoughtfully constructed, and clearly and compassionately communicated.”
Happy Sunday Friends! Let me start this week off with a confession: I hate conflict! Personal conflict, that is. This is my 30th year in the legal profession in various capacities, so I approach conflict head-on in my professional life. Thirty years of taking tough meetings, fighting professional battles, mediating emotionally charged disputes, and hearing heartbreaking cases. Worn out from the professional conflicts, I avoided them at almost all costs in my personal life—walked away from relationships that felt inauthentic, chose flight instead of fight, and blocked anyone bringing drama or trauma.
Conflicts cannot be avoided, but instead of running from them, I have learned that the best approach is to set clear but compassionate boundaries. Boundaries help us have loving, kind, and peaceful relationships with each other. However, when we think of a boundary, we often envision a red line that says "Do not cross" or a fence with a large "Keep Out" sign. Boundaries are a flashing caution signal, advising you that you are entering someone’s clearly marked danger zone, so enter with caution and be respectful of their house rules.
Boundaries should not be barbed-wired fences that hurt anyone who gets close; they should be carefully constructed to achieve specific results in a given situation.
There are many great reasons to set boundaries.
Boundaries help us maintain our mental and emotional well-being so that we can operate as our best selves.Boundaries help us manage stress by ensuring we don’t overextend ourselves. By setting boundaries, we make time for activities that nourish and rejuvenate us, ensuring that we remain balanced and healthy.
Boundaries help us establish healthy relationships with our loved ones. By setting boundaries, we communicate to ourselves and others that our needs and feelings are valid and important. Clear boundaries help clarify what we are comfortable with and what we are not, reducing the risk of miscommunication.
Boundaries enhance our productivity and focus. Boundaries help us prioritize our time and energy, enabling us to stay focused on our goals and commitments.
Boundaries are a protective mechanism that helps us create a safe and supportive environment. Boundaries ensure that our interactions are respectful and nurturing, promoting a sense of security and trust. Boundaries help prevent feelings of resentment that can arise when we feel taken advantage of, disrespected, or misunderstood.
Boundaries preserve our autonomy and personal freedom. Boundaries allow us to make choices that align with our values and desires, promoting a sense of empowerment and control over our lives. When we feel empowered to show up as our true selves, everyone benefits.
In order to set clear but compassionate boundaries, it is essential to know yourself, your needs, your pain points, and your limits. Begin by practicing self-awareness and reflecting on what is important to you and what you need to feel safe and respected. Once you have a clear understanding, practice expressing your boundaries firmly but with kindness. Use “I” statements to communicate your needs, such as “I feel overwhelmed when...” or “I need some time to...”.
If it is safe to do so, provide your reasons for setting the boundary. For example, “I’m a germaphobe, and you are aware of my condition, so I feel disrespected when you enter my home without removing your shoes.” Offering a brief explanation helps others understand your perspective and fosters empathy. Most people are respectful when understanding is created. Remember that invisible fences hurt, so let folks know the boundary is there and why it is necessary.
Choose Carefully, Then Be Consistent: Everyday likes and dislikes may not require boundary setting; consider saving boundary setting for deep-seated values and things that may harm your mental or physical health. Ensure you uphold your boundaries consistently, as this reinforces their importance to others.
Cats are masterful at setting boundaries.
Use Positive Language: Frame your boundaries positively by focusing on what you need rather than what you don’t want. For example, say “I need some quiet time to recharge” instead of “Don’t bother me.”
Be Patient and Foster Mutual Respect: Give yourself and others time to adjust to new boundaries. Change can be challenging, and patience helps ease the transition. Approach boundary-setting as a collaborative effort. Encourage open dialogue and mutual respect, allowing others to express their needs as well.
Stay Calm and Composed: When discussing boundaries, maintain a calm and composed demeanor. This helps prevent defensiveness and keeps the conversation constructive. Remember that you won’t always get the result that you seek, but constructively communicating your needs and values will prevent many misunderstandings.
Conflicts cannot be avoided, but showing up in each relationship as your authentic self, and clearly and kindly communicating your needs will create understanding and foster respectful interactions. Give grace to those who need it, and while you are establishing your boundaries, remember that your friends and family also have their own boundaries that need to be respected in order to foster peaceful relationships.
Now, if all efforts fail, I will put my legal hat on and write a post on how to stand your ground and fight. In the meantime, have a peaceful and blessed week.
Community Notes
A short work week is always something to celebrate. Have a wonderful 4th of July with your friends and family!
If you would like to carve out a day to make significant progress on your book, VIP Author Day is for you. Limited spots are available in July, so book your session today and start your journey to authorship with confidence and clarity! You can also email (janetautherine@growintogreatness.com) with questions or to verify availability.
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