How to Navigate Failure
“Failure bends your spirit but does not have to break it. Remember that success in one thing does not mean success in everything, and failure in one area does not mean that you are failing at life.”
If you are a parent of teenagers, you know that they can make you question everything that you are and everything that you believe. A few weeks ago, one of my teenagers accused me of being too positive. The tone said, “You have a character flaw that you need to fix.” If you have ever raised a teenager, you know that tone. This led to a discussion of challenges that I faced in my youth. I told him about the time that I was almost kidnapped, and I shared that my brothers moved to the US two years before I did because I very unfortunately missed my appointment with the US embassy. Long story, but I will never forget the mix of embarrassment and disappointment. Emotionally, it felt like failure, but it worked out just as the universe intended. We talked about how I graduated from law school in debt and with no job on the horizon, and there were so many other perceived “failures” that I could have discussed. What I have learned over the years is that you can create a mindset of success even amid failure.
Failure is unmet expectations. Unmet expectations are the dreams and goals that our mind creates based on our social, religious, political, and cultural environment. This is why five individuals can experience the same “failure” and have different emotional reactions. If failure is a reaction to a finish line that society sets and we internalize, why does it have such a devastating impact on our emotional health? As a soccer mom, I have witnessed both kids and parents cry over the failure of a team of 6-year-old soccer players to advance. Last week, Cristiano Ronaldo cried after he failed to score a goal in the Portugal vs. France Euro 2024 game. The deep feeling of disappointment and failure is the same irrespective of age. Your struggle may not be sport-related - maybe it is a divorce, financial struggles, a job loss, failing an examination, losing an election, or an error in judgment. Unfortunately, we can’t avoid failure, but we can minimize its impact. A starting point is to remember that today’s failure may be tomorrow’s success. Remembering that gives you the vulnerability to mourn each loss in your own way, the strength to power through until life stabilizes again, and the resilience to bounce back until failure turns into success.
Failure can stir up deep emotions and keep you trapped in your feelings so that your thoughts are not clear enough to act. It sparks anger, grief, resentment, and self-flagellation. Before you are overcome with emotions that can be paralyzing, give thought to the spaces in your life where you are succeeding. You may be going through a divorce but excelling at your job and have a great support network of friends. Success in one thing does not mean success in everything, and failure in one area does not mean that you are failing at life. Identify areas where you are thriving and celebrate even the small wins.
Amid a sense of failure, find a question that empowers you. For me, the question is, have you done all that you can? If the answer is yes, step away from the door that has closed. Snatch success from the jaws of failure. Success is the freedom to walk away, to let the universe redirect you, to decide to climb another mountain or dwell peacefully in the valley.
Failure bends your spirit but does not have to break it. Here are a few things not to do when you have failed at something that was important to you:
Don’t judge yourself harshly because you are only seeing a tiny sliver of the mirror and it is distorted.
Don’t make any impulsive decisions; sleep on it or give yourself at least 24 hours.
Don’t isolate yourself. Reach out to friends and loved ones for support.
Likewise, here are a few things that will help to push through failure:
Get plenty of sleep. When the body and mind are rested, your mirror is clearer.
Seek wise and trusted counsel. This is not the time to talk to the pessimists in your life or the well-meaning friend who has no expertise in the problem that you are trying to resolve.
Keep your favorite photo of yourself on your desk or your screensaver so that you can see the real you. Failure distorts when negative emotions are rising.
Go to bed and search for a solution another day. There is coffee again in the morning, and coffee shoots hope through the veins.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading, walking in nature, or listening to music.
Reflect on past failures that turned into successes to remind yourself of your resilience and ability to overcome obstacles.
If you have found a few positives in this week’s newsletter, please share them with someone who may be struggling. I am also gifting the presentation slides that you can download and share or refer to in a difficult season.
The universe didn’t protect me from failures, but it did design me to see the glass as full most of the time, and when there is a space, I try to fill it with gratitude. I pray that through all the “failures” in your life, hope and optimism remain.
