Finding Diamonds in Complex Relationships
My dad passed away over 10 years ago. We had a good relationship, but it was not a traditional father/daughter relationship. We had a respectful relationship but it would have been great to have a much deeper bond. When we lived in Jamaica, he worked at the sugarcane factory, which was one of the biggest employers in our small town. To have a job at the factory was a big deal. We didn’t live in the same household, but I have fond memories of him stopping by the house some Fridays after work to chat with my mama, the relative who raised me, drop off a few dollars for food, and ask me how I was doing in school.
In our town, making your parents proud meant getting good grades. I would happily share how well I was doing in primary school. I moved to the United States at age 12, and we didn’t have much contact for a few years. He eventually moved to Canada to live with his wife and children, and I would visit often, especially during the Caribbean festival, Caribana. I never had a disagreement with my father. It was your typical long distance relationship where you always have a great time for the short time that you are together because you are never together long enough to experience bumps in the road. The memory that lingers is when he attended my law school graduation. He was so happy to be there and congratulated me with love and great pride. I will always treasure that memory.
Our relationships with our parents are complicated, but it is important to hold on to good memories. Even in the most complex relationships, we can find diamond moments. Some relationships require loving from a distance for both safety and sanity, and if that is your reality, protect your peace. However, if you are looking to navigate a difficult and complex relationship, here are a few suggestions:
Set Boundaries: It’s essential to establish boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Clearly communicate what is acceptable and what is not in your relationship. This is challenging if you are still living at home but respectfully share what heals you and what hurts you.
Focus on the Positive: While it’s easy to dwell on the negative aspects, try to focus on the positive memories and experiences. This doesn’t mean ignoring the challenges but balancing them with good memories.
Seek Understanding: Understanding your father’s background, experiences, and the challenges he faced can provide context to his actions and behavior. This doesn’t excuse negative behavior but can help you find empathy. I look at my father’s absence in the context of his need to escape from a life of poverty.
Communicate Openly: If possible, have open and honest conversations with your father. Express your feelings, needs, and expectations calmly and respectfully.
Practice Self-Care: Dealing with complex relationships can be emotionally draining. Prioritize self-care activities that help you relax and recharge. If Father’s day or any holiday is anticipated to be stressful, book a spa day or a relaxing activity the next day.
Seek Support: Sometimes, navigating these relationships can be overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor. Thankfully, seeking counseling is not as taboo as it was 10 years ago, especially for men.
Forgive: Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for your peace of mind. However, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing harmful behavior. It’s about releasing the hold the past has on you.
Every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. My relationship with my father was complicated by poverty, parents that were not together and distance. With an earthly father who was far away, I filled the gap by sending up prayers to my Heavenly Father. I am sharing an excerpt from a poem that I wrote many years ago to celebrate that relationship. Take the time to understand what works best for you and your family. If possible, see challenges as an opportunity for healing, understanding and growth.
Father’s Day is a wonderful day to create new traditions. Whether your relationship with your father is healthy or strained, spend the day creating new traditions that bring you joy and fulfillment. These new traditions can help you build new, positive experiences that you will treasure; these experiences will become your diamond.
Have a beautiful and blessed day.
